Australia has a lot of flies in the summer. I know it’s not summertime for most of you but it’s summertime for me, in ye olde southern hemisphere.

I also know I usually start these updates like this: “let’s pick up where the last one left off; I played in this city, then I played in that city, where I got a funny picture with this rapper; two weeks later, yatta yatta bim bam boom” and I work my way towards the present point, the origin of the axis. But this time I kinda feel like just picking up where this current tour started. I’m not skipping that much in the narrative scheme. I did a couple shows, including CMJ, and there you have it. Let’s go to Australia.

(Here are some pics from CMJ before we start)

(OK let’s go.)

I’m on this Kanye tour for the whole month of November, very far from poutine. We’re opening for U2 in Australia and New Zealand, and then we’re gonna hit Hong Kong and Tokyo (without U2). For all you faithful readers of the tales of Macklovitch, you’ll remember that we were out here in Australasia last March for this same purpose but U2 had to cancel their shows, so this is the rescheduled run. We’re back, baby. What’s also nice is that we get to spend a few days in each city and even have the occasional day off, compared to most Kanye tours where you’re at an airport evvvvery morning at 6am.

This is my 6th or 7th time in Australia (I’m not even sure any more) but I’ve always gone closer to their winter. This time around we all came expecting summer weather, but I’ve never seen anything more erratic in my life. Apparently it has something to do with how thin the ozone layer is in this part of the world. I shit you not, the day before we arrived in Melbourne it snowed there, and when we were there it was literally 100 degrees. Anyways the first city we went to was Brisbane, but I arrived the day of the first show so I don’t even remember that much. Then we were in Sydney for almost a week. That was great. I did my own gigs too, and got on national radio a couple times. So while these Kanye & U2 shows are a bit less involved, since we’re running through songs quicker and are playing for a bit of a strange crowd, at the same time I’m doing my own little excursions that are keeping me interested. Lately I’d been finding out about more and more Australian groups that I liked, so it’s been good reaching out to artists out here and seeing their scene. And did I mention that I met Sacha Baron Cohen? I didn’t have time to see “Borat” before leaving on tour, so when I got here and saw it didn’t come out until December 2nd I was like “oh hell naw”. But then we found out he was in town. He actually came to our dressing room literally 5 minutes after I left the venue one day. I was vexed, fuming, I’d had it up to here. Thankfully the winds of fortune changed the next day and we were treated to a private screening of the movie. Great success! We went to some party he was having at a cheesy hotel bar but I wasn’t really trying to bother the guy. Just said hi.

After Sydney we went to Adelaide for 2 days. “The city of churches” — I think that’s what they call it. Or maybe I’m making that up. I know I had super tasty thai food there two days in a row, and we had more retarded weather patterns. Adelaide also marked the arrival of Harley Pasternak, Kanye’s personal trainer. He also trains a slew of stars including Halle Berry, Alicia Keys, LL Cool J, Zach Braff and Mandy Moore (God bless her little heart). Well…. it turns out that he also grew up in Toronto, his family is from Montreal, and for this reason, seems to have a soft spot (no Weezy) for young Treezy. So guess who started working out? I’m on the Five-Factor Fitness program baby! This stuff is hilarious. Work out 5 times a week; each workout is 25 mintues (5 sections of 5 minutes). Eat 5 meals a day (no wonder I’m doing this). His best-selling book has recipes with 5 ingredients each, which you can prepare in 5 minutes. It’s fool-proof! And in return I’m helping him brush up on his French. Only problem is I’m incredibly sore. Today it’s my legs. I’m limping. But hey, if it’s good for Zach Braff, it’s gotta be good for me.

Then we went to Melbourne for 5 days. Kanye loves it there. At the shows he was all “this is one of my favorite cities in the woooorld!! … I’m not just saying thaaaat!!”

He also kinda surprised me and came to my gig there. I knew some of the guys were coming through but wasn’t sure if he was there until he ran up on stage for a quirky handshake when I played Ayres’ “Move On Up” joint (same sample as “Touch the Sky”) and ran back off into obscurity. Note to any promoter who books me during a Kanye tour: don’t count on this happening!

I also had some funny moments with my Perks And Mini peeps, filled with bicycle rides to fancy restaurants that serve quail-stuffed tomatoes and green apple tart with balsamic vinegar, anecdotes about Italian long-bearded, robe-wearing wizard types in their fifties who started the club scene, obscure egyptian electro records and sweatshirts with doggies wearing sunglasses. And then finally, after being on the road with these farts for 2 weeks, there was a tour dinner where I met U2. Well, some of them. I spoke to The Edge about a record I heard of where he played with some of the dudes from Can in the 80s. And Bono came to sit at our table and talk to Kanye for what seemed like a very long time. Kanye introduced me as “the funny one of the group.” Is that what I do now?

Speaking of dinners, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Being Canadian, that doesn’t mean much to me. But for the 3rd year in a row I’m on tour with these guys and we’re gonna put together a lil’ turkey dinner on the road. 2 years ago we did that in London at this luxury hotel. Last year it was at our bus driver’s daughter’s house in a little Louisiana village. And this year it’s going down in Auckland. A couple of the girls from the tour are already hard at work trying to track down collard greens at the local supermarket and exchanging recipes for stuffing. I even heard someone talking about “since we’ll have access to a kitchen that day, might as well make some grits for breakfast”. I guess the homesickness is starting to set in. Hey, I saw what’s on the menu for tomorrow, and I just hope that’s the only kind of sickness we’re facing! (drrrrum tsschhh! salmonella, stay back.) No but seriously, you guys have been great. Good night, see you next time.